


how strange it is to be anything

by spacebubble



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Coda, Deleted Scenes, Episode: s01e02 Battle at the Binary Stars, Ficlet, Gen, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-23 07:50:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18149117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacebubble/pseuds/spacebubble
Summary: Coda for Discovery's 2nd episode. Some thoughts Saru has before giving his speech at Philippa's funeral.





	how strange it is to be anything

**Author's Note:**

> Set in between episodes 2 and 3 of Discovery s1, a moody little series of scenes that I've been mulling over recently. 
> 
> It's entirely possible this isn't canon-compliant, but we have so few details about Georgiou's funeral that I'm assuming there was a service of some kind back on Earth, beyond the typical send-off from a ship. Just some thoughts about what Saru's thoughts might've been.

It doesn't feel right.

Saru checks his dress uniform again for the umpteenth time, even though he knows it's already pristine and neat.

_Michael should be here._

He instinctively reaches for the back of his neck, but his ganglia have not emerged.

He's minutes away from giving his eulogy at Philippa's funeral, almost literally in the presence of death. The empty casket only serves to remind him of her absence. Everything reminds him of her absence.

And yet his ganglia remain dormant.

Curious.

Much like when he had inquired whether it was possible for Michael to be granted a temporary release for the Captain's funeral, a question that made his pulse race with anxiety and the dreadful sense of overstepping his bounds.

 

* * *

 

( _"Mr. Saru, your concern is noted. However..."_ )

He had expected the denial, but he was still disappointed all the same.

The words washed over him, barely lingering, impermanent like the breeze. Something about caution, of needing to make an example, of avoiding the appearance of favoritism for the Ambassador's ward.

( _"Captain Georgiou was not her relative. The criterion for an inmate attending the funeral of a relative does not apply._ ")

To his surprise, Saru felt angry.

 _None_ of her relatives - what if the _Ambassador_ or the Lady Amanda was - _couldn't_ there be - Philippa is as good as - _was_ as good as - _she loved her_ -

But all that came out was a click, and a nod.

 

* * *

 

He tells himself that if it weren't for Michael, none of this would have happened.

And he's still angry with her.

But that doesn't mean it feels right.

 

* * *

 

Next to him, Detmer stares ahead, eyebrows slightly knitted with the pressure of trying not to cry. Her new cranial implant gleams in the sun.

It's brighter than he expected. Somehow he had thought it would rain today.

Outside, the Malaysian shores look like paradise. Like Kaminar. Of course the Captain hailed from such a land.

_Michael should be here._

"Your turn," Detmer whispers. She blinks rapidly for a moment, then glances back up at him with an encouraging smile.

 

* * *

 

They never talked much on the Shenzhou, outside of necessary bridge communications, or the occasional chat in the turbolift. Of all the remaining Shenzhou crew, Saru never expected Detmer to ask to accompany him to the funeral.

He's glad she did.

 

* * *

 

Saru can't bring himself to smile back at her, so he meets her eyes, then nods.

He takes a deep, slow breath, then gets up and walks to the podium. It's shorter than he expected.

Holocameras are everywhere, ready to record and broadcast.

In the distance, he can see tree-covered hills and the open sky.

All eyes are on him, yet he feels strangely calm.

His ganglia remain dormant as he begins to speak.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Can't believe how strange it is to be anything, at all..._  
>  \- **Neutral Milk Hotel** // In the Aeroplane Over the Sea


End file.
